All the Words
I was gifted perspective today when someone told me – in REAL LIFE, no less – that they realized only after they had read most of my previous post that those were actually MY words (rather than a random link to something I liked on someone else’s blog). They told me that they thought it was funny because it sounded so much like me but it took them a moment to go check and see that, yes, those were in fact my words. I was grateful for the perspective because it didn’t occur to me when I was posting it to my personal Facebook page that there would be plenty of people who wouldn’t necessarily connect ME to my blog, especially since the names differ.
Evolving Perspective has been my brand* for so long now – over three years – that I forget that the public face of it has been much quieter than the behind-the-scenes face. Behind the scenes, upwards of 200,000 words have been written since July 2014 when I made a commitment to write 40,000 words toward a memoir in the last couple months before my 40th birthday. Actually, that’s probably a low estimate but I write longhand a lot and tend to change notebooks frequently based on whatever system of organization or habit changing or wordsmithing or whatever I happen to be trying at the moment, so I don’t really have a clear way to consistently calculate my word count. At my best, I average around 1,000-1,500 words per day but I have days of 0-50 words, too. (This post checks in at just over 600 words.)
There are nearly always words, though, no matter what else happens.
It’s the words that matter to me. All the words. So many words. So many ideas, thoughts, ruminations, postulations, worries, speculations, wild fascinations.
Why do the words matter so much? They represent the way I feel most comfortable being “seen.” Seen not with the eyes but with the heart and soul – that’s the way I want others to see me because that’s what I love best about being allowed to see them, witness the long movements of their lives, through their stories, their thoughts behind the surface. Yes, it feels like I have some power over how I am seen when I use my words to paint the picture of me, but I know that’s mostly fantasy – people will take my words how I mean them or they will not. Either way, they will interpret them through their own filters. I’m working toward being more comfortable with that and some days are better than others, of course.
Why, then, do I desire to be seen? Because it fulfills a need. It is a way - one way - to be loved, held, cared for, appreciated, made to feel like I matter. I want to matter. Not for self-aggrandizement but so that through that love I can find those ways I am meant to be of service. I have been circling them, spiraling in closer to those truths, ones that sit there always but never quite solid. This next whirl around it feels like I’m becoming more familiar with the dance. I'm also feeling the increasing pressure to master it before the ballroom closes down, the floor is ripped up, and a landfill takes its place.
*Branding is a new arena for me. I know people do it all the time. I know I could be doing more toward expanding and promoting mine. I know that what I’ve done so far feels fine to this point… And that I’ll likely be changing my approach soon, sinking into the persona that inhabits Evolving Perspective, bringing it more to life, and seeing what magic it can unleash in the world.