This post was going to be titled, "When You're Not Scared Anymore," but I realized I can't speak to that. I am scared. And nervous and anxious and worried... And working on changing that for the better. For myself, for my family, and for our future.
Right now, I'm in the midst of one of the scariest, most unbalanced, unsure of anything periods in my life. Yet the one thing I keep settling on, in the midst of the tumultuous moments and in the calmer, more centered moments, is that I want to be creating more. I have SO many ideas: so many stories, movies, books, paintings, doodles, cards, businesses, photos, crocheted objects, interviews, apps, and courses - and those are just the things I can think of in under two minutes!
Even better? I have pretty much all the tools I need to get started on all of that - art supplies galore, yarn, hooks, cameras, apps, experience in a vast number of creative endeavors, books, ecourses, friends around the world, and family who supports following your creative passions. I need a scanner and I'd like a decent pair of headphones and a good microphone but neither is a necessity right this second.
What, then, am I lacking?
In a nutshell: Belief. More precisely: Belief in myself. In my talents and abilities, in my experiences and my gut, in my passions and my wild obsessions. I could go into the circumstances surrounding WHY I think I lack this belief but, well, I've been writing a memoir about that for a couple years and I will finish it. (You see me conspicuously avoiding putting a date on that, right? Yeah.) To be certain, I glimpse the belief from time to time, in moments of profound knowing that this - THIS - is it - IT! This is what I should be doing. That head-nodding, self-affirming, absolute understanding that I have tapped into Source and it is nourishing my soul. I want to drink deeply, bathe in that stream, luxuriate in that flow...
But I always end up cutting myself off. Why can't I allow myself that beauty, that affirmation of an exquisite grace that has been granted to me? What voice keeps coming up in my brain saying, in essence, "You don't deserve this"?
Another belief. A belief that it's all vanity. More precisely: MY vanity. My vanity to dare to think that I have something of value to offer in the forms I mentioned above. That I could have any right to claim to be accomplished enough to create anything that might be more than just a personal pastime or occasional hobby, that might offer me an opportunity to simultaneously engage in my passions AND use them to earn my family's living. That I can't show up fully in this world in exactly the way that lights me up completely... Because that would be too... Excessive. And let's forget: Vain.
I'm just about done with listening to these beliefs for a while. I'm going to ask them, politely, to step aside. I'll make sure they're comfortably stocked with mimosas and set up poolside in the perfect 77-degree weather. Then I'm going to get out there and try out a new me by creating some of that stuff. Really, though, it's a former me on whom I'd like to build. That version of me, one that I was well-acquainted with about a decade or so ago, she had some swagger, she had some confidence, she had some style. And, of course, she had a lot of dreams. She was a good foundation on which to build and I want more of her back in my life. I liked her. I could look at her in the mirror and not want to turn immediately away. I'd like to see her step up and take a place she's truly earned.
And if you've made it to here, I have a question for you: Which of your beliefs could you ask to step aside? Which of your beliefs could use a vacation (or a time-out)? Which of your beliefs have outlived their usefulness? Let's send them all out for mimosas, make sure they have enough sunscreen, and let them be while we get on with this beautiful, crazy, mixed-up, incredible living we were made to be doing!